Just so we're clear, I do not swear in front of my kids. I think I have been honest enough in this blog for you to believe this is the truth. The worst thing I say in front of my kids is "flippin'," as in, "Get that flippin' dishwasher unloaded!" Occasionally I use a "freakin'." I have started to use the word "shit" in front of my 13-year-old. Just now and then, not every day.
My intention was to keep this blog fairly clean, but people tend to read it, or at least comment on it, more often if there is a juicy word in the title. Whether it be "douche bag" or "f***ing," the language keeps 'em coming back. Besides, to be honest, bad language is really more my style.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Yeah, I'll bet she has some big f***ing bags and wrinkles under that eye mask
Allure’s 9 Simple Steps to Younger-Looking Eyes
REALLY?!!!
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Pissed off scrapbooker
I have a couple of subscriptions to scrapbooking magazines. I was flipping through one the other night and realized that I get a little pissed when I read them. I have finally figured out why. When I look at the sample layouts, I see a picture of two cute, clean kids hugging each other and I read this in the journaling, “I love to watch the relationship that is developing between the two of you. Six years separate the two of you and you get along like peas in a pod. You are our oldest and youngest, and as I watch you together I am reminded how wonderful it is to be a mother.” This makes me want to barf. I’ve seen others that read something like, “You are such a little stinker sometimes, but you are always daddy’s little angel.” First of all, I hate it when people portray their lives as perfectly harmonious and blissful. And second, I hate those people that think their kids are perfect.
Admittedly, my kids’ scrapbooks have lots of cute pictures. But, I don’t really write that much about the photo other than to identify the time and place (if I am able). I feel like that type of journaling just isn’t me. It is not my style at all.
While thinking about this post, I came up with a great idea. These blog posts would make GREAT journaling for my family scrapbooks. I will print them out and stick them on the pages next to all those super-cute photos. The only issue is that the kids love to look at their books and these posts probably are not appropriate for them to read at this point in their lives. Maybe I can make a secret book for those rated PG-13 and R pages. When the kids are old enough, I can put those pages in their books. I am totally psyched.
Admittedly, my kids’ scrapbooks have lots of cute pictures. But, I don’t really write that much about the photo other than to identify the time and place (if I am able). I feel like that type of journaling just isn’t me. It is not my style at all.
While thinking about this post, I came up with a great idea. These blog posts would make GREAT journaling for my family scrapbooks. I will print them out and stick them on the pages next to all those super-cute photos. The only issue is that the kids love to look at their books and these posts probably are not appropriate for them to read at this point in their lives. Maybe I can make a secret book for those rated PG-13 and R pages. When the kids are old enough, I can put those pages in their books. I am totally psyched.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Douche Bag follow-up
I think I have totally ruined the phrase for my son and his two friends. Every time someone says it, they will think of me and the whole 'washing out the vagina' thing.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Don't be a douche bag
Last week, I was driving Isaac to soccer with two of his teammates. I love carpooling because I learn so much about my kids and their friends. I just pretend like I am pre-occupied with driving so they will talk more freely. The key is to not ask questions. You do not want them to think you are listening. Anyway, they were tossing around the term “douche bag,” talking about how a kid at school is always calling people “douche bags.” One of the boys in the back seat made the mistake of asking, “What does it mean, anyway?” Another one said, “Well, ‘douche’ means ‘shower’ in French.” At this point, I could resist no longer.
“Do you guys want to know what it means?” My unsuspecting victims, in unison, said, “Yeah!” “Well, I don’t even know if they make them anymore, but it’s a plastic bottle with a long nozzle on top. A woman uses it to wash out her vagina.” A short pause of absolute silence. Then a collective, “Ohhh, don’t say any more. That’s enough!” I told them, “If you guys ever want to know anything, just ask me.” Obviously, I get a giant kick out of doing this kind of thing. I am not shy about telling it like it is. The bonus is that my son will actually ask me things. So far he has asked me about condoms, periods and all kinds of things about puberty. If you want your kids to ask questions, my advice to you is to just be straightforward and fairly brief. That gives them time to let it soak in. And, they will know that a simple question won’t lead to a long, involved and uncomfortable conversation.
“Do you guys want to know what it means?” My unsuspecting victims, in unison, said, “Yeah!” “Well, I don’t even know if they make them anymore, but it’s a plastic bottle with a long nozzle on top. A woman uses it to wash out her vagina.” A short pause of absolute silence. Then a collective, “Ohhh, don’t say any more. That’s enough!” I told them, “If you guys ever want to know anything, just ask me.” Obviously, I get a giant kick out of doing this kind of thing. I am not shy about telling it like it is. The bonus is that my son will actually ask me things. So far he has asked me about condoms, periods and all kinds of things about puberty. If you want your kids to ask questions, my advice to you is to just be straightforward and fairly brief. That gives them time to let it soak in. And, they will know that a simple question won’t lead to a long, involved and uncomfortable conversation.
Friday, March 26, 2010
Battle on Brougham Road
Okay, so I have finally done it. My total humiliation is complete. After you read this, you will wish you were my neighbor purely for the entertainment value.
This post concerns my three sons, well, really one in particular, Isaac. The boys do their homework right after school or it will never get done. It still requires a bit of nagging, but not nearly as much as there would be if we tried to get them to do homework after dinner. Anyway, after homework yesterday, they wanted to go outside and have a Nerf gun war. I warned them that they would end up in a fight, but they assured me they would not. They said they had played the other day with no problems. So, okay, I let them go.
About twenty minutes later, I could hear screaming, the bad kind of screaming. I spied on them from the window for a few minutes and I saw my middle son threatening to hit Isaac with a Nerf gun. Then I heard Isaac screaming at him and calling him a retard. Finally, Isaac tackled my middle son and my youngest son jumped on Isaac and began punching his back. I decided to intervene. I opened the window and told them to put the guns away and come inside. Isaac then screamed at me, said I never do anything about the others and called me a retard.
I am NOT going to be disrespected like that, I thought to myself. Here is where it got bad. I decided to take action. I closed the window and headed outside in a huff. I attempted to pick Isaac up to take him inside, but he fought back. I was still trying to get a hold of him when he grabbed my legs and took me down. A struggle ensued. We were rolling on the front lawn in a full-out battle, each trying to get control of the other. Keep in mind that I was still in my nice work pants and turtleneck. I WAS ROLLING AROUND ON THE FRONT LAWN FIGHTING WITH MY 11-YEAR-OLD SON! I finally got on top of him with my knees on his back.
“There, how do you like being picked on by someone bigger than you?,” I hissed.
I stood up, composed myself and took a quick look around to see if there were any witnesses. Sure enough, the most conservative, judgmental guy in the neighborhood was walking his dog right across the street, trying to pretend he hadn’t seen us. How do you even recover from that? It occurred to me that I could yell something at Isaac to make it look like we were just kidding around, but I didn’t bother. I just went inside the house and hoped that he was the only witness.
This post concerns my three sons, well, really one in particular, Isaac. The boys do their homework right after school or it will never get done. It still requires a bit of nagging, but not nearly as much as there would be if we tried to get them to do homework after dinner. Anyway, after homework yesterday, they wanted to go outside and have a Nerf gun war. I warned them that they would end up in a fight, but they assured me they would not. They said they had played the other day with no problems. So, okay, I let them go.
About twenty minutes later, I could hear screaming, the bad kind of screaming. I spied on them from the window for a few minutes and I saw my middle son threatening to hit Isaac with a Nerf gun. Then I heard Isaac screaming at him and calling him a retard. Finally, Isaac tackled my middle son and my youngest son jumped on Isaac and began punching his back. I decided to intervene. I opened the window and told them to put the guns away and come inside. Isaac then screamed at me, said I never do anything about the others and called me a retard.
I am NOT going to be disrespected like that, I thought to myself. Here is where it got bad. I decided to take action. I closed the window and headed outside in a huff. I attempted to pick Isaac up to take him inside, but he fought back. I was still trying to get a hold of him when he grabbed my legs and took me down. A struggle ensued. We were rolling on the front lawn in a full-out battle, each trying to get control of the other. Keep in mind that I was still in my nice work pants and turtleneck. I WAS ROLLING AROUND ON THE FRONT LAWN FIGHTING WITH MY 11-YEAR-OLD SON! I finally got on top of him with my knees on his back.
“There, how do you like being picked on by someone bigger than you?,” I hissed.
I stood up, composed myself and took a quick look around to see if there were any witnesses. Sure enough, the most conservative, judgmental guy in the neighborhood was walking his dog right across the street, trying to pretend he hadn’t seen us. How do you even recover from that? It occurred to me that I could yell something at Isaac to make it look like we were just kidding around, but I didn’t bother. I just went inside the house and hoped that he was the only witness.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Ahhhh…I just finished my morning scream fest and I can now relax and sit down at my laptop to write. First, let me acknowledge that, yes, I failed. My last post was Sunday and today is Wednesday. What can I say? I can only continue to try.
People are always saying to me, “I don’t know how you do it. Our schedule is crazy with just two kids. I can’t imagine having six.” In case you are wondering, here is a little rundown of my typical Monday and Tuesday schedule. I get home from work around 3:00, grab a snack and take off with Cassidy to pick up a teammate and take them to gymnastics. By the time I get back home, the other kids are off the bus and usually running a bit wild. I come in the house and ask for any mail they may have from school. I send Isaac and Elias to their rooms to read for 20 minutes and then I have to sign off on that in their school agendas. I know that Elias does his reading. I am not so sure that Isaac has been reading lately. I’m going to have to spy on him today and find out.
Anyway, I nag and nag Piper and she still doesn’t get her mail to me or get her school stuff put away. I usually have to tell Levi two or three times, but he eventually does it. Then I have to start in about chores. Isaac is supposed to load or unload the dishwasher. They need to pick up things they have dropped around the house. In between all of these things, there is a fair amount, sometimes a lot, of bickering and fighting.
On Mondays, Piper has to be at gymnastics at 6:00 and Isaac has to be at soccer at 7:30. Levi has wrestling on Monday (that is going to change). Throw in a band concert for Cassidy and things get really interesting. On Tuesdays, Cassidy and Piper have dance and Elias and Levi have soccer. Things will heat up in April with more soccer practices as they start training outside, not to mention the beginning of baseball for Isaac. I am skilled at arranging carpools, so I will need to start organizing soon.
I want to get one thing straight. I am not complaining. The fact is, I get a payoff from all of this. I love youth athletics. I am so excited each weekend to go to a gymnastics meet or soccer game. Is that sad? I’m not sure, but it works for me.
People are always saying to me, “I don’t know how you do it. Our schedule is crazy with just two kids. I can’t imagine having six.” In case you are wondering, here is a little rundown of my typical Monday and Tuesday schedule. I get home from work around 3:00, grab a snack and take off with Cassidy to pick up a teammate and take them to gymnastics. By the time I get back home, the other kids are off the bus and usually running a bit wild. I come in the house and ask for any mail they may have from school. I send Isaac and Elias to their rooms to read for 20 minutes and then I have to sign off on that in their school agendas. I know that Elias does his reading. I am not so sure that Isaac has been reading lately. I’m going to have to spy on him today and find out.
Anyway, I nag and nag Piper and she still doesn’t get her mail to me or get her school stuff put away. I usually have to tell Levi two or three times, but he eventually does it. Then I have to start in about chores. Isaac is supposed to load or unload the dishwasher. They need to pick up things they have dropped around the house. In between all of these things, there is a fair amount, sometimes a lot, of bickering and fighting.
On Mondays, Piper has to be at gymnastics at 6:00 and Isaac has to be at soccer at 7:30. Levi has wrestling on Monday (that is going to change). Throw in a band concert for Cassidy and things get really interesting. On Tuesdays, Cassidy and Piper have dance and Elias and Levi have soccer. Things will heat up in April with more soccer practices as they start training outside, not to mention the beginning of baseball for Isaac. I am skilled at arranging carpools, so I will need to start organizing soon.
I want to get one thing straight. I am not complaining. The fact is, I get a payoff from all of this. I love youth athletics. I am so excited each weekend to go to a gymnastics meet or soccer game. Is that sad? I’m not sure, but it works for me.
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